omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
