You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
it glows. i had to have it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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