i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
