I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
