You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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