dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
