tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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