You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
