Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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