Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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