My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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