how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
