You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
