and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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