i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
