I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
