he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
