Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
