he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
