I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
