His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
