I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
