Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i've created a new STD.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
