There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
