closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
