It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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