Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
