I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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