hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
