I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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