Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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