What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
