You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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