My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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