So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
