Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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