call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
