So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
