New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
