Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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