I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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