Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
