I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
