3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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