The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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