omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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