Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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