this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
how drunk are you?
Several
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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