So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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