went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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